Monthly Archives: February 2006

Cats Should Not Eat Grapes

Apparently grapes can make them violently ill. Which explains kitty witty’s episodes of violent vomitting after he eats them. He loves grapes, especially the green ones. If I leave them out on the counter he eats them all. I guess I will have to restrict his access.
He’s already poisoned himself with Advil and had to have an emergency detox at the vets.
I wonder if strawberries are okay for cats?



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How to Procrastinate

Wake up at 11h00am…stay in bed and get on laptop to check news sites, check all 5 email inboxes, check news sites again,
Woah! Sheryl Crow has breast cancer!….
phone rings…ignore it
Hungry…I eat a big bowl of Cheerios in bed and then I feel sick. Am I allergic to food now? Imagine how skinny I would get. I sit and daydream about being skinny again.
12h00pm – ok paper on the social psychology of exclusion due Monday. Get started. I pile all 15 articles around me in bed and I feel productive. Good job! Check news sites again in case world has come to an end. Unfortunately it seems to be going strong so I guess paper is still due Monday.
12h30pm – I am sleepy. Lay back and close eyes. Phone rings…ignore it.
Whoever this is is persistent…answer damn phone. Jazzy says she is coming over. I have a paper due and I have only written 2 pages of gibberish but I know she needs me right now so I must be there for my friend.
dum dee dumm that’s what friends are for…lalalala (dionne warwick et al.)
1h00pm – Jazzy and I sit in kitchen and discuss very important life matters. Sheryl Crows’ cancer, how much Madonna sucks, family secrets, the weather (sick of winter already!), how important my paper is and how I will totally be in trouble if I don’t get inspired really soon…. Nothing like good conversation.
2h00pm – Delio comes over! Haven’t seen her in a while so I have to spend time with her too. Saf wakes up and joins us. I am having a party in my kitchen. woohoo!
2h30pm – Somebody suggests we go out and eat. We are all starving. Honestly. If we don’t get waffles and crepes right away we will die.
Get dressed. Console myself with knowledge that I will be writing paper in my head while we are eating so all I have to do is come home and put it on paper. Cause I’m smart like that.
3h30pm – Oh my g-d this is biggest waffle I have ever eaten! Delio says there are no calories in waffles. She is smart, she saves lives for a living so I believe her. I eat part of her crepe too.
4h15pm – Sit because we cannot move. I cannot believe I ate so much. I am going to have to do sit-ups tonight. I hate sit-ups.
There are a lot of mixed people in this restaurant. It makes me uncomfortable. Should I smile and nod? Or just raise my eyebrows in recognition? What is the protocol?
4h30 – Jazzy pisses me off so I EXCLUDE her. I will use this in my paper on the psychology of social exclusion. See…I am writing it as we sit.
4h45 – Let’s just check out one store in the mall.
5h30 – 4 stores later. This mall sucks. We get in the car and go to another mall. I really should get home and start paper. Really.
6h00pm – HMV to check out CDs. I buy Leonard Cohen’s greatest hits. Bye some DVDs for friend. Mexx…oooohhhh nice coat! On sale….I want it. I hope I have money in my account. SO embarassing when you are declined in front of everybody. Not that it’s happened to me. I buy coat.
7h30pm – Still shopping. I am in so much trouble. I am going to be up all night writing about bloody social exclusion. I hate my life.
8h00pm – Hungry again. Who wants Thai food? Leave mall. See cute dog. Pet it. Forget I am allergic to dogs. Rub my eye with hand that pet freakin dog. Oh my g-d is my eye najis now? crap. Whatever it is it’s burning and swelling like crazy. I look like a freak.
8h30pm – I love Thai food. SO yummy.
9h30pm – I ate too much.
9h45pm – we make a Second Cup run because I am sooo going to be up all night writing this STUPID paper! Large latte, no foam, extra shot of espresso please.
10h00pm – home at last. My eye is still swollen shut. Climb into bed. Articles still here. Laptop to check news site. World is still here. Check email. Check blogs. Check glitteratigossip.
11h00pm – start writing paper. I am so tired. My life sucks. I am so not answering the phone tomorrow…..


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Shaky Ground

Update on Earthquake

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Let’s Pretend Today Never Happened…

When it rains it pours

SO my cousin called and informed us that Matt never got on the plane in LA. He “missed” his flight according to him. Of course he didn’t bother telling anyone until my brother had driven an hour to get to the airport and was heading in to get him.
As we speak he is hunkered down at Nicole’s husbands liquor store in the ghetto waiting till his Dad cools down before he goes home.
This is just going to go from bad to worse. Matt reminds me of my brothers, except they were not in LA where messing up can get you killed. His family is trying to keep him alive until he grows some sense.
My parents are in town because my Dad has been having chest pains, numbness in his arm, nausea….classic symptoms of what folks? A HEART FREAKING ATTACK? yes that would be right.
SO instead of going to the emergency room like any normal person, my Dad first tries to put off going until Monday “nah man it’s nothing…let’s wait to see how I feel after the weekend” ,
then he gets in the car and drives an hour away to visit his Dr. at his clinic. Where they are known to stash echo machines, defibrillators, nitroglycerin, etc…yeah sure.
Of course they have no cel phone so I have no way of contacting them to see if they are okay. My paper is never going to get writ.
Sitting here on the phone trying to figure my family out when my cat almost falls on me (he likes to pretend he is royalty and sits on the back of the couch like it’s a throne). The entire building starts shaking for about 4 or 5 seconds. I thought one of the snow trucks outside had run into the side of the building. My sister calls me 5 minutes later from work shrieking about how her entire building almost fell down. Channel 17 confirmed it: we were hit with an earthquake, more details to come…
I called my poor brother who is on his way home with no cousin in tow–he felt nothing but he is too concerned with the fact that he forgot his glasses at home and can’ t see a damn thing.
“what is going on?” he said.
“I don’t know, I replied, but just call me when you get home and we will try to pretend this day never happened.”


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Family Ties

A phone call from the cousin this morning informs me that her brother has just boarded a plane to Canada. With a one-way ticket.
Apparently he done a bad thing, his Daddy wupped his tail and then stuck him on a plane from LA to us.
Poor poor kid has no idea what he’s in for. He gets to hang out with my Dad in the most boring city you could possibly imagine. AND he’ll be lucky if he sees another black person for a while. He better get used to small town white folks fast.

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The Brandtzaeg Curse

Everyone knows that listening to your mother is a good thing. The problem is you usually find that out after for example, not looking both ways before crossing the street and getting smushed by that big car.
The other day I decide to pop into the dentist for a quick in and out. You know, “Oh hello there Dr.! Can I have one cleaning to go, with a side of those funky toothbrushes and maybe some free stickers?”
I was breezy, I was carefree, I was yes, I must say lovely in my innocence.
The hygienist took ne look in my mouth and “Holy g-d what the hell?” She looked at me like I had just crawled out of a cave. “Have you never heard of flossing?”, she pretty much snarled at me. I have never seen a hygieist that upset. I mean she acted like it was a personal attack on her and all she stands for. I think she loves her job. Must be nice.
Okay so my flossing habits were not consistent. I figured a haphazard once every two months would do the trick, after all it’s not like I don’t brush.
Well I was wrong. Apparently my not flossing has resulted in what they call “a bloody mess” in dental lingo.
I need a cleaning, root canal, filling, extraction, crown…. my Insurance company is going to drop me.
So yesterday my first cleaning went well for about 5 minutes. Then I started to hemorrhage, for the next 12 hours.
After an emergency intervention by my dentist, an exam by a physician, a molestation by a lab tech who drew enough blood to keep a vampire fed for a year, I sit here awaiting results that will tell me that a) I have hemophilia, b) I have some other hemoglobin disorder, c) some kind of liver problem, d) or just a case of the Brandtzaeg curse
According to my Mom, my Bestamor’s side of the family, the Brandtzaeg’s have this little blood issue where they bruise for no reason (me), and bleed profusely at inopportune moments (apparently me).
First time I’ve ever heard of the curse. I wonder what else she is keeping from me.


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