Boring days waiting for my vacation to start. I’m looking forward to it but my fear of flying is kicking in again. A few nights ago I dreamt I was on a plane and when I looked out the window I saw another plane burst into a ball of flames in the air. This always happens – about a month before I fly I start having bad dreams about planes. I also start having anxiety attacks – actually more like a wave of panic that washes over me. So I trotted over to my doctor and had her write me out a prescription for something to take…it takes the edge off my panic and usually puts me to sleep. My Dad is completely unsympathetic – he always says something like “are you scared to die?”, and makes me feel like my deen is weak because I can’t embrace whatever is supposed to happen. Well he is right, my deen is weak- but I don’t know if he’s ever really experienced that feeling of pure panic that makes you sick to your stomach and freezes your brain. I have always been terrified of heights. So I just ignore him and pop a pill and go to sleep 🙂
I have to go to school tomorrow and meet with someone in the Psych office to figure out exactly what I need to graduate. You’ll be going along taking courses you think are fine and then when you think you’re oaky they tell you you haven’t completed your requirements. I still haven’t found someone to work with next year. The prof I initally was set up with turned out to be not so cool. I met with him in March and talked to him about his research etc… I had read a couple of his articles…and he passed me a 50 page paper he wanted me to read and from it develop some ideas that would incorporate both of our interests. I did that, emailed him and didn’t hear back frm him for a month. Just when I had given up on him he emailed me and asked me to hold off a little and to get in touch with him the first week of May. I emailed him again and again I didn’t hear anything from him for a month. So I said screw it…and then he emailed me in June and wanted to know if I was still interested…I didn’t even bother responding. I’m already busy burning bridges, look at me! I don’t care – I was never one to kiss ass – I have always been very upfront. If you respect me, I will respect you. Other than that I owe you nothing. Okay, I realize he is busy and I am just a lowly undergrad but it’s not that hard to respond to an email, especially when you asked someone to get in touch with you. I just got the vibe that we wouldn’t get along – I think he prefers students who will be in awe of him and I don’t have time for that. I am completely professional, I get my stuff done, I will bend over backwards to do what they ask but I am not stroking anyones ego if he doesn’t have basic manners.
So I’m still on the lookout for a supervisor. I had a prof last year who I was interested in as well, but she left on sick leave. She is back this year- the only problem is she is a raging alcoholic. She came into the lab one morning and almost killed me with the alochol on her breath! I wouldn’t care except last year she got really out of control and started falling, and calling students stupid…they actually took the class away from her and we ended up learning close to nothing. On th positive side she is brilliant, and has a long stellar career and if she can control her drinking a bit I think it might work out.
Anyways all this is moot if I can’t pay my tuition. I am broker than broke…I need an easy way to make 5000.00 that doesn’t include pole dancing.