When I am in the midst of a moment it’s hard to hide it from people. I’ll be the first one to admit I can be a pain, perhaps a bit obnoxious and difficult – I like to think it’s part of my charm. Although I have to admit I was quite charmless last week at the mosque for Jumu’ah. I was in the throes of some ‘thing’ because I had just spent the last 10 minutes being shoved around by about a hundred women all trying to exit one door at the same time. There is nothing like being shoved by kids, poked by old women and stepped on by everybody. It’s guaranteed to raise my ire. My sister just got back from Umrah and she said nothing will cure that faster than trying to navigate your way into the Prophet (Salallahu Alayhi Wasalam)’s mosque in Madinah. You learn quickly to just go with the flow and smile. That’s what I’m scared of most…losing my temper during Umrah- can you imagine? I would die.
When I finally got outside I was so grumpy and F could see it right away. I totally blamed it on her because she HAD to get out of there right away…I usually wait until the crowds have died down a bit. She totally ignored me (as usual) as I proceed to glare at her and mumble to myself in tongues. She was talking to someone I had met before but didn’t really know so I stood aside, not being in the mood for small talk. I said not two words to this lady, except to give my salam as she walked away- I barely made eye contact with her. I felt kind of bad afterwards…I thought to myself “she’s going to think I’m insane! I have a very hard time hiding my emotions…I hate it – it has gotten me into binds on more than one occasion. So if I say I was in a bad mood that day – trust me it was all over my face. Imagine my shock when I find out that this lady, told F that I seemed like “such a nice person, someone who had a good heart, who you can see thinks of the akhirah”…
What do people see when they look at people? Why do people see the things they do? I remember being in the presence of a particular Shaykh once and he practically skewered me with his glance. I felt like he could see me stripped of my pretenses, with my weak spirit just barely hanging on and it freaked me out. It’s a strange feeling to have someone see in you what you don’t. I don’t understand what this lady sees when she loks at me- truth be told I find it a bit strange and it makes me uncomfortable. At the same time I think there is a lesson in it for me somewhere and I don’t want this to become an anectode that I tell my sister as I laugh in a self-deprecating way. Sometimes it takes a virtual stranger to make you believe in yourself a little more. I just don’t know how to make it into something real, to be pondered over and nurtured.
Amazing aren’t they, the myriad little blessings scattered across my path each day?